Therapy with an abuser
A gentle note before we begin
This article is for educational purposes only. It is not a substitute for professional advice or therapy. If you are in immediate danger, please seek local support or emergency services. This content may be activating for some readers—please take care of yourself as you read.
The Common Hope Behind “Couples Therapy”
Many people consider therapy with their abuser because they genuinely want things to improve. They may believe that if a neutral professional is involved, the truth will finally be seen, harmful behavior will stop, or accountability will be established.
This hope makes sense. It comes from a desire for repair, safety, and clarity.
Unfortunately, when abuse is present, joint therapy often has the opposite effect.
Abuse Is Not a Communication Problem
One of the biggest misunderstandings about abuse is the belief that it results from miscommunication, conflict styles, or emotional misunderstandings.
Abuse is not caused by:
- poor communication
- unmet needs
- relationship stress
- “both people’s patterns”
Abuse is about power and control.
When one person is using control, manipulation, intimidation, or psychological harm, the issue is not mutual—it is unilateral.
Therapy is designed to improve mutual dynamics. Abuse is not a mutual dynamic.
How Therapy Can Be Used as a Tool for Further Harm
When an abusive partner enters therapy, they often gain:
- new psychological language
- validation tools
- insight into the victim’s vulnerabilities
Rather than fostering accountability, therapy can become another environment where control is exercised.
Common patterns include:
- using therapy terms to invalidate or gaslight
- presenting as calm, reasonable, or “the more reflective partner”
- reframing abuse as relationship conflict
- punishing the victim afterward for what was disclosed in session
What happens in therapy does not stay in therapy when abuse is present.
Why Therapists May Miss the Abuse
Even well-intentioned therapists can miss abuse—especially covert or psychological abuse.
This is because abusive individuals often:
- appear articulate, calm, and self-aware
- frame themselves as misunderstood or victimized
- avoid overt aggression in public settings
- mirror therapeutic language convincingly
Without specialized training in abuse dynamics, a therapist may unintentionally:
- encourage empathy for the abuser
- ask the victim to “take responsibility”
- emphasize compromise where safety is needed
- treat harm as mutual
This can deepen the victim’s confusion and self-doubt.
The Increased Risk After Sessions
One of the most concerning aspects of joint therapy with an abuser is what happens after the session.
Many survivors report:
- retaliation at home
- emotional punishment
- withdrawal or escalation
- increased monitoring or control
- being blamed for “making them look bad”
The therapy room may feel calm, but the real consequences often occur in private.
Why Individual Therapy Is Safer and More Effective
Healing from abuse requires:
- safety
- validation
- clarity
- autonomy
Individual therapy provides a space where:
- your experiences are believed
- patterns can be named without retaliation
- your nervous system can stabilize
- decisions are made without pressure
Therapy works best when the person causing harm is not in the room.
When (and If) Joint Therapy Is Appropriate
In rare cases, joint therapy may be considered only if:
- abuse has fully stopped
- accountability has been demonstrated over time
- the abusive partner is engaged in separate, specialized treatment
- the survivor feels genuinely safe and unpressured
Even then, it must be approached cautiously and with professional guidance.
A Reframe That Matters
Choosing not to attend therapy with your abuser is not:
- giving up
- being closed-minded
- refusing to work on the relationship
It is a form of self-protection.
Clarity is not created through dialogue with someone committed to control.
If this stirred something…
If reading this brought up confusion, grief, or recognition, you’re not alone. Many people don’t realize why therapy felt worse instead of better until much later.
You deserve support that prioritizes your safety, reality, and autonomy. It’s okay to pause, step away, or seek individual support at your own pace.