{"id":424,"date":"2026-01-03T03:22:58","date_gmt":"2026-01-03T03:22:58","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/becomingemmakate.com\/?page_id=424"},"modified":"2026-01-03T03:23:30","modified_gmt":"2026-01-03T03:23:30","slug":"424-2","status":"publish","type":"page","link":"https:\/\/becomingemmakate.com\/?page_id=424","title":{"rendered":"Therapy with an abuser"},"content":{"rendered":"\n<p><\/p>\n\n\n\n<p><\/p>\n\n\n\n<p><\/p>\n\n\n\n<p><\/p>\n\n\n<style>.kb-row-layout-id424_1554ef-de > .kt-row-column-wrap{align-content:start;}:where(.kb-row-layout-id424_1554ef-de > .kt-row-column-wrap) > .wp-block-kadence-column{justify-content:start;}.kb-row-layout-id424_1554ef-de > .kt-row-column-wrap{column-gap:var(--global-kb-gap-none, 0rem );row-gap:var(--global-kb-gap-none, 0rem );padding-top:0em;padding-right:0em;padding-bottom:0em;padding-left:0em;grid-template-columns:minmax(0, 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kt-row-overlay-normal\"><\/div><div class=\"kt-row-column-wrap kt-has-1-columns kt-row-layout-equal kt-tab-layout-inherit kt-mobile-layout-row kt-row-valign-top kt-inner-column-height-full\">\n<style>.kadence-column424_1dd930-cc > .kt-inside-inner-col,.kadence-column424_1dd930-cc > .kt-inside-inner-col:before{border-top-left-radius:0px;border-top-right-radius:0px;border-bottom-right-radius:0px;border-bottom-left-radius:0px;}.kadence-column424_1dd930-cc > .kt-inside-inner-col{column-gap:var(--global-kb-gap-sm, 1rem);}.kadence-column424_1dd930-cc > .kt-inside-inner-col{flex-direction:column;}.kadence-column424_1dd930-cc > .kt-inside-inner-col > .aligncenter{width:100%;}.kadence-column424_1dd930-cc > .kt-inside-inner-col:before{opacity:0.3;}.kadence-column424_1dd930-cc{position:relative;}@media all and (max-width: 1024px){.kadence-column424_1dd930-cc > .kt-inside-inner-col{flex-direction:column;justify-content:center;}}@media all and (max-width: 767px){.kadence-column424_1dd930-cc > 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#ffffff);}}@media all and (max-width: 767px){.kb-image424_454f7e-d7 img.kb-img, .kb-image424_454f7e-d7 .kb-img img{border-top:10px solid var(--global-palette9, #ffffff);border-right:10px solid var(--global-palette9, #ffffff);border-bottom:10px solid var(--global-palette9, #ffffff);border-left:10px solid var(--global-palette9, #ffffff);}}<\/style>\n<figure class=\"wp-block-kadence-image kb-image424_454f7e-d7 size-full\"><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" width=\"1024\" height=\"1536\" src=\"https:\/\/becomingemmakate.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2026\/01\/ChatGPT-Image-Jan-2-2026-at-10_22_06-PM.png\" alt=\"\" class=\"kb-img wp-image-446\" srcset=\"https:\/\/becomingemmakate.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2026\/01\/ChatGPT-Image-Jan-2-2026-at-10_22_06-PM.png 1024w, https:\/\/becomingemmakate.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2026\/01\/ChatGPT-Image-Jan-2-2026-at-10_22_06-PM-200x300.png 200w, https:\/\/becomingemmakate.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2026\/01\/ChatGPT-Image-Jan-2-2026-at-10_22_06-PM-683x1024.png 683w, https:\/\/becomingemmakate.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2026\/01\/ChatGPT-Image-Jan-2-2026-at-10_22_06-PM-768x1152.png 768w, https:\/\/becomingemmakate.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2026\/01\/ChatGPT-Image-Jan-2-2026-at-10_22_06-PM-8x12.png 8w, https:\/\/becomingemmakate.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2026\/01\/ChatGPT-Image-Jan-2-2026-at-10_22_06-PM-600x900.png 600w\" sizes=\"auto, (max-width: 1024px) 100vw, 1024px\" \/><\/figure>\n<\/div><\/div>\n\n\n<style>.kadence-column424_a582c1-a3 > .kt-inside-inner-col{padding-top:2em;}.kadence-column424_a582c1-a3 > .kt-inside-inner-col,.kadence-column424_a582c1-a3 > .kt-inside-inner-col:before{border-top-left-radius:0px;border-top-right-radius:0px;border-bottom-right-radius:0px;border-bottom-left-radius:0px;}.kadence-column424_a582c1-a3 > .kt-inside-inner-col{column-gap:var(--global-kb-gap-sm, 1rem);}.kadence-column424_a582c1-a3 > .kt-inside-inner-col{flex-direction:column;}.kadence-column424_a582c1-a3 > .kt-inside-inner-col > .aligncenter{width:100%;}.kadence-column424_a582c1-a3 > .kt-inside-inner-col:before{opacity:0.3;}.kadence-column424_a582c1-a3{z-index:auto;position:relative;}.kadence-column424_a582c1-a3, .kt-inside-inner-col > .kadence-column424_a582c1-a3:not(.specificity){margin-top:3em;}@media all and (max-width: 1024px){.kadence-column424_a582c1-a3 > .kt-inside-inner-col{flex-direction:column;justify-content:center;}}@media all and (max-width: 1024px){.kadence-column424_a582c1-a3, .kt-inside-inner-col > .kadence-column424_a582c1-a3:not(.specificity){margin-top:-6em;}}@media all and (max-width: 767px){.kadence-column424_a582c1-a3 > .kt-inside-inner-col{flex-direction:column;justify-content:center;}.kadence-column424_a582c1-a3, .kt-inside-inner-col > .kadence-column424_a582c1-a3:not(.specificity){margin-top:-3em;}}<\/style>\n<div class=\"wp-block-kadence-column kadence-column424_a582c1-a3\"><div class=\"kt-inside-inner-col\"><style>.wp-block-kadence-advancedheading.kt-adv-heading424_c68a55-0e, .wp-block-kadence-advancedheading.kt-adv-heading424_c68a55-0e[data-kb-block=\"kb-adv-heading424_c68a55-0e\"]{margin-bottom:0.3em;text-align:left;font-style:normal;}.wp-block-kadence-advancedheading.kt-adv-heading424_c68a55-0e mark.kt-highlight, .wp-block-kadence-advancedheading.kt-adv-heading424_c68a55-0e[data-kb-block=\"kb-adv-heading424_c68a55-0e\"] mark.kt-highlight{font-size:var(--global-kb-font-size-xxl, 4rem);font-family:\"Odette Font\", Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif;font-weight:400;font-style:normal;color:var(--global-palette2, #2B6CB0);-webkit-box-decoration-break:clone;box-decoration-break:clone;}<\/style>\n<h2 class=\"kt-adv-heading424_c68a55-0e wp-block-kadence-advancedheading\" data-kb-block=\"kb-adv-heading424_c68a55-0e\"><mark class=\"kt-highlight\">Therapy with an abuser<\/mark><\/h2>\n\n\n\n<h5 class=\"wp-block-heading\">A gentle note before we begin<\/h5>\n\n\n\n<p>This article is for educational purposes only. It is not a substitute for professional advice or therapy. If you are in immediate danger, please seek local support or emergency services. This content may be activating for some readers\u2014please take care of yourself as you read.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<hr class=\"wp-block-separator has-alpha-channel-opacity\"\/>\n\n\n\n<h5 class=\"wp-block-heading\">The Common Hope Behind \u201cCouples Therapy\u201d<\/h5>\n\n\n\n<p>Many people consider therapy with their abuser because they genuinely want things to improve. They may believe that if a neutral professional is involved, the truth will finally be seen, harmful behavior will stop, or accountability will be established.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>This hope makes sense. It comes from a desire for repair, safety, and clarity.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Unfortunately, when abuse is present, joint therapy often has the opposite effect.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<hr class=\"wp-block-separator has-alpha-channel-opacity\"\/>\n\n\n\n<h5 class=\"wp-block-heading\">Abuse Is Not a Communication Problem<\/h5>\n\n\n\n<p>One of the biggest misunderstandings about abuse is the belief that it results from miscommunication, conflict styles, or emotional misunderstandings.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Abuse is not caused by:<\/p>\n\n\n\n<ul class=\"wp-block-list\">\n<li>poor communication<\/li>\n\n\n\n<li>unmet needs<\/li>\n\n\n\n<li>relationship stress<\/li>\n\n\n\n<li>\u201cboth people\u2019s patterns\u201d<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n\n\n\n<p>Abuse is about&nbsp;<strong>power and control<\/strong>.<br>When one person is using control, manipulation, intimidation, or psychological harm, the issue is not mutual\u2014it is unilateral.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Therapy is designed to improve mutual dynamics. Abuse is not a mutual dynamic.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<hr class=\"wp-block-separator has-alpha-channel-opacity\"\/>\n\n\n\n<h5 class=\"wp-block-heading\">How Therapy Can Be Used as a Tool for Further Harm<\/h5>\n\n\n\n<p>When an abusive partner enters therapy, they often gain:<\/p>\n\n\n\n<ul class=\"wp-block-list\">\n<li>new psychological language<\/li>\n\n\n\n<li>validation tools<\/li>\n\n\n\n<li>insight into the victim\u2019s vulnerabilities<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n\n\n\n<p>Rather than fostering accountability, therapy can become another environment where control is exercised.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Common patterns include:<\/p>\n\n\n\n<ul class=\"wp-block-list\">\n<li>using therapy terms to invalidate or gaslight<\/li>\n\n\n\n<li>presenting as calm, reasonable, or \u201cthe more reflective partner\u201d<\/li>\n\n\n\n<li>reframing abuse as relationship conflict<\/li>\n\n\n\n<li>punishing the victim afterward for what was disclosed in session<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n\n\n\n<p>What happens in therapy does not stay in therapy when abuse is present.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<hr class=\"wp-block-separator has-alpha-channel-opacity\"\/>\n\n\n\n<h5 class=\"wp-block-heading\">Why Therapists May Miss the Abuse<\/h5>\n\n\n\n<p>Even well-intentioned therapists can miss abuse\u2014especially covert or psychological abuse.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>This is because abusive individuals often:<\/p>\n\n\n\n<ul class=\"wp-block-list\">\n<li>appear articulate, calm, and self-aware<\/li>\n\n\n\n<li>frame themselves as misunderstood or victimized<\/li>\n\n\n\n<li>avoid overt aggression in public settings<\/li>\n\n\n\n<li>mirror therapeutic language convincingly<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n\n\n\n<p>Without specialized training in abuse dynamics, a therapist may unintentionally:<\/p>\n\n\n\n<ul class=\"wp-block-list\">\n<li>encourage empathy for the abuser<\/li>\n\n\n\n<li>ask the victim to \u201ctake responsibility\u201d<\/li>\n\n\n\n<li>emphasize compromise where safety is needed<\/li>\n\n\n\n<li>treat harm as mutual<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n\n\n\n<p>This can deepen the victim\u2019s confusion and self-doubt.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<hr class=\"wp-block-separator has-alpha-channel-opacity\"\/>\n\n\n\n<h5 class=\"wp-block-heading\">The Increased Risk After Sessions<\/h5>\n\n\n\n<p>One of the most concerning aspects of joint therapy with an abuser is what happens&nbsp;<strong>after<\/strong>&nbsp;the session.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Many survivors report:<\/p>\n\n\n\n<ul class=\"wp-block-list\">\n<li>retaliation at home<\/li>\n\n\n\n<li>emotional punishment<\/li>\n\n\n\n<li>withdrawal or escalation<\/li>\n\n\n\n<li>increased monitoring or control<\/li>\n\n\n\n<li>being blamed for \u201cmaking them look bad\u201d<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n\n\n\n<p>The therapy room may feel calm, but the real consequences often occur in private.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<hr class=\"wp-block-separator has-alpha-channel-opacity\"\/>\n\n\n\n<h5 class=\"wp-block-heading\">Why Individual Therapy Is Safer and More Effective<\/h5>\n\n\n\n<p>Healing from abuse requires:<\/p>\n\n\n\n<ul class=\"wp-block-list\">\n<li>safety<\/li>\n\n\n\n<li>validation<\/li>\n\n\n\n<li>clarity<\/li>\n\n\n\n<li>autonomy<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n\n\n\n<p>Individual therapy provides a space where:<\/p>\n\n\n\n<ul class=\"wp-block-list\">\n<li>your experiences are believed<\/li>\n\n\n\n<li>patterns can be named without retaliation<\/li>\n\n\n\n<li>your nervous system can stabilize<\/li>\n\n\n\n<li>decisions are made without pressure<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n\n\n\n<p>Therapy works best when the person causing harm is&nbsp;<strong>not<\/strong>&nbsp;in the room.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<hr class=\"wp-block-separator has-alpha-channel-opacity\"\/>\n\n\n\n<h5 class=\"wp-block-heading\">When (and If) Joint Therapy Is Appropriate<\/h5>\n\n\n\n<p>In rare cases, joint therapy may be considered&nbsp;<strong>only if<\/strong>:<\/p>\n\n\n\n<ul class=\"wp-block-list\">\n<li>abuse has fully stopped<\/li>\n\n\n\n<li>accountability has been demonstrated over time<\/li>\n\n\n\n<li>the abusive partner is engaged in separate, specialized treatment<\/li>\n\n\n\n<li>the survivor feels genuinely safe and unpressured<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n\n\n\n<p>Even then, it must be approached cautiously and with professional guidance.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<hr class=\"wp-block-separator has-alpha-channel-opacity\"\/>\n\n\n\n<h5 class=\"wp-block-heading\">A Reframe That Matters<\/h5>\n\n\n\n<p>Choosing not to attend therapy with your abuser is not:<\/p>\n\n\n\n<ul class=\"wp-block-list\">\n<li>giving up<\/li>\n\n\n\n<li>being closed-minded<\/li>\n\n\n\n<li>refusing to work on the relationship<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n\n\n\n<p>It is a form of&nbsp;<strong>self-protection<\/strong>.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Clarity is not created through dialogue with someone committed to control.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<hr class=\"wp-block-separator has-alpha-channel-opacity\"\/>\n\n\n\n<h5 class=\"wp-block-heading\">If this stirred something\u2026<\/h5>\n\n\n\n<p>If reading this brought up confusion, grief, or recognition, you\u2019re not alone. Many people don\u2019t realize why therapy felt worse instead of better until much later.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>You deserve support that prioritizes your safety, reality, and autonomy. It\u2019s okay to pause, step away, or seek individual support at your own pace.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p><\/p>\n\n\n\n<p><\/p>\n\n\n\n<p><\/p>\n\n\n\n<p><\/p>\n\n\n\n<p><mark class=\"kt-highlight\"><\/mark><\/p>\n<\/div><\/div>\n\n<\/div><\/div><\/div><\/div>\n\n<\/div><\/div>","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Therapy with an abuser A gentle note before we begin This article is for educational purposes only. It is not a substitute for professional advice or therapy. If you are in immediate danger, please seek local support or emergency services. This content may be activating for some readers\u2014please take care of yourself as you read&#8230;.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"parent":0,"menu_order":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","template":"","meta":{"_kad_post_transparent":"","_kad_post_title":"","_kad_post_layout":"","_kad_post_sidebar_id":"","_kad_post_content_style":"","_kad_post_vertical_padding":"","_kad_post_feature":"","_kad_post_feature_position":"","_kad_post_header":false,"_kad_post_footer":false,"footnotes":""},"class_list":["post-424","page","type-page","status-publish","hentry"],"yoast_head":"<!-- This site is optimized with the Yoast SEO plugin v26.6 - https:\/\/yoast.com\/wordpress\/plugins\/seo\/ -->\n<title>Therapy with an abuser - Becoming Emma Kate<\/title>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/becomingemmakate.com\/?page_id=424\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"Therapy with an abuser - Becoming Emma Kate\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"Therapy with an abuser A gentle note before we begin This article is for educational purposes only. 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